Some time ago I was attending a funeral service and there was this acquaintance right beside me who kept muttering, this is so sad, although her face remained unmoved, frozen. She had just had botox injected all over her face that morning, and could barely speak. Another acquaintance whom I thought I´d see there couldn´t make it, because she had just had liposuction the day before and it was still very painful to move. Both women are about my age: 39 years old, and have always been attractive, healthy women who really didn´t need those interventions.
I´m not saying we shouldn´t care about beauty. There´s nothing wrong with females (and males) trying to look good. Make-up, moisturizing creams, jewelry, perfume. I love all of that. The problem is when we can´t draw the line. When we stop being human beings above everything and live our lives around cosmetic procedures that will make us look like this or that celebrity, sometimes of the opposite sex ;-).
Why are we, women, so obsessed about being someone else? First of all, let´s absolve the guys. It has absolutely nothing to do with them. In fact, most men are perfectly fine with the way we look. Second, I don´t think it has to do with beauty. I can´t be convinced that substituting your actual and normal nose for something that looks like a light switch will make you look more beautiful.
I think I´ve had a glimpse to where the problem may lie observing mothers and daughters, including myself and my daughter: our daughters growing up means we´re getting older. That´s basic. But I´ve been observing something else in this complex relationship: mothers can do many damages to their daughters´ self-esteem when, instead of behaving like parents, they behave like same-age friends with a credit card. Instead of saying- my love, you don´t need those (astronomically expensive) jeans to be beautiful, you are beautiful being yourself- we go ahead and buy them those jeans because all her friends have them, too.
Now, when we buy that , and into that, what we´re actually saying to that young girl is: yes, a pair of very expensive jeans is all we, women, need to make us feel we´re worth something. It can also be a handbag, sunglasses, a pair of shoes, a boob job, a car, a crystal engraved cell phone, the list is endless.
I have wrinkles around my eyes, and they are most evident when I smile. It´s part of me. Many times I don´t say anything, I just smile with my eyes and the people I love know what I mean. I also don´t wear expensive and exclusive clothes. I choose clothes that are beautiful (in my opinion) and comfortable, and that have to do with my personality. My nose is not small, but it´s exactly like my father´s, and I´m proud to have inherited it, among his many other traits: he was an awesome man. I think the best I can teach my daughter is that being comfortable in one´s skin, that is living in one´s own body, is one of the most beautiful things you can find in a person.
10 comments:
Self-esteem is definitely hard to come by. You bring up good points to think about on the mother/daughter relationship, Lu. I think you are right that mothers should be mothers and not act as “same-age friends with a credit card.” I have observed this too where mother and daughter are out and they are heavily made up; perhaps the daughter has had a cosmetic alteration of some type, and often I see young girls and teenage girls wearily very revealing clothes and their moms too. As you point out the most important thing a mother can do is help her daughter learn to be comfortable in her skin. The only challenge I see is in the role the media and her friends play and how they also contribute to her self-esteem. But, if a mother and even a father for that matter, reinforce the importance of self-worth and show by action that beauty is indeed skin deep, and to embrace her own body, there is hope.
I don't have direct experience of this despite 2 daughters and a grand-daughter. So I don't know what I am talking about on this subject. Doesn't stop one having opinions.
It seems to me you are conflating several things here: (a) cultural pressures for artificial enhancement of one's appearance, which we may in our society frown on; we wouldn't frown on them in a simpler society, when there might be traditional ways of making oneself look good; (b) a child's concern about its inadequate appearance, based on comparison with others and the reactions it gets from others (which may not be directly related to loving parental relationships and example - you might have been born with with some major or minor deformity, or "plainness"; (c) damaged self-esteem due to defects in nurture during childhood; (d) mother or similar figure imposing her unfulfilled dreams upon the child; (e) as you mention, mother wanting to be like same-age friend.
I separate it out because I feel I was victim to a combination of (b) and (c) in my teenage years. I (we) didn't have money, so when I wanted some tight trousers in the fashionable style, I got my mother to alter a pair of my step-father's, in fact part of a "demob" suit given on demobilisation from the Armed Forces at the end of the war.
Sorry for extending the limited focus of your piece to look to a wider picture. But it's clear to me that how girls want to look has little if anything to do with enhancing their attractiveness to a man. A woman who dresses well and knows it will attract universal admiration from both sexes, but eye-candy is not the same as attraction with a view to a sexual relationship.
Responding to Rebb's point, I feel that we pay a price for living in Western society (which may soon the be the only society on offer). Consumerism is the engine of wealth distribution, so we have to face its bombardment just as the poor have to face poverty, or the people of Siberia have to face the winter cold. Clearly, if parents succumb to every TV advert, every fad, junk food and so on, their children will accept this as normality.
Vincent and Rebb, you know how I view this? fear of death. Because we´re terrified of, symbolically or literally, being wiped off this world, we try to avoid it as much as we can. We see no fun in maturing. The commercial media simply reads that and delivers what we want.
Brazil has a very high rate of aesthetic plastic surgeries a year. Most of them are not for correction of deformities or accidents. Brazilian women (usually from middle class, which is a LOT of people) are obsessed about brands and looks. I know people who will pay a fortune just to own a Louis Voutton (whatever way you spell this brand ;-) or a Channel purse. It´s ridiculous.
Identity with the group is another issue, altogether.It´s natural for teenagers to look like their peers. Of course clothes speak their language. My point is that there should be a middle path to follow.
Indeed, dear Luciana, you've thoughtfully explicated one of the main issues of our time, in a smart and objective manner.
As we go through this trying and often devastating but also joyful journey called life, we must come to the realization that what makes us humane enough to be called human is that inner spirit of beauty, contentment and peaceful oneness with the One who created us in His image and likeness - as I do believe.
Especially, I am left with a lot to ponder on by the following lines:
"The problem is when we can´t draw the line. When we stop being human beings above everything and live our lives around cosmetic procedures that will make us look like this or that celebrity, sometimes of the opposite sex ;-). Why are we, women, so obsessed about being someone else? First of all, let´s absolve the guys. It has absolutely nothing to do with them. In fact, most men are perfectly fine with the way we look. Second, I don´t think it has to do with beauty. I can´t be convinced that substituting your actual and normal nose for something that looks like a light switch will make you look more beautiful."
Surely, you've done some deep analytical thinking of great worth here. And I am soulfully richer and more enlightened today for stopping by your blog. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts this new day!
Ugonna Wachuku
http://uwachuku.googlepages.com
Hi Ugonna, nice to read your comment! Welcome aboard!
Wow...that's a great piece of thought...I couldn't avoid laughing with "noses that look like a light switch"... "Las barbes" we see in the world just around us reinforced by the capitalism idea of consuming more and more leave our world so artificial...
When you talked about the mother-daughter idea...my own mom came to mind.. she has never had (or at least shown) any tohught related to this artificial world...not even the grey hair disturbs here...
this is a daughter speaking but anyawy...I couldn't have asked God for a better mother...(tears..)she taught mostly how to be a human being..an honest person..how to like myself as I am..to appreciate my best traits...
tahnks for this moment of reflexion...of looking back in time...
Glad you could relate to that, Bi! It´s never a superficial relationship, that of mothers and daughters. Even when there wasn´t enough time for that to fully happen, which is my case with my own mother, it is still a powerful and strong absence, paradoxically. ;-)
Luciana,
I agree with you. The trend’s been here in Japan also. Rebb is right about self-esteem. It is hard to come by. That’s the most valuable thing.
To me, all those people who do cosmetic surgeries for enhancement don’t need them, but they do. Some of them are beauties to begin with. I just ignore it.
Keiko, in Japan, too?
Post a Comment