Coming back from a long break. Summer is ending, schools are back and the lights and winds announce the arrival of more temperate days. That´s good. Although I enjoy Summer, eternal Summer is a sort of a nightmare for individuals like me, who appreciate the shade as well.
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Yesterday was ‘International Women´s Day’ or something like that. Really . Some colleagues said they were really PROUD to be women and I even saw some women on TV saying that we are multi-task by nature and can handle everything, from very time demanding jobs to raising children. Who invented this? And what does it mean to be proud of something?
How can I be proud of something I didn´t choose or achieve?
I am a woman, and I´m very happy as a woman, but I don´t feel I should be proud. It´d be the same as female jaguars being proud of being female jaguars… None of us women ‘achieved’ being women. We are. And for that reason we have our place in the sun. There´s no way of ignoring it. Unless we allow or even contribute to that ignorance. Watch out. Pride can be very tricky. Pride can sound a lot like ‘I wanna sit in the grown-up table’. Also, being able to handle everything steals our humanity. Human beings are not able to handle everything so, are we, women, not human beings? That´s tricky, too. And very, very confusing.
There are some choices we should focus on, though, because they´re extremely important. I´m not talking about sexual interactions, because they´re not a choice either. It´s not like saying ‘from now on, I´ll sleep with men’ or ‘ I decided to like to sleep with other women’. It is. There are women who like men, there are others who like other women, there are others who like both, and there are the ones who like their own company. Fine. They´re all women and that´s the way it is. I just don´t think anyone should be pushed into a marriage. And that´s a choice we should be thinking about: marrying or not getting married (I´m not talking about paperwork here, I´m talking about living and sharing a life with someone). It´s a lot of giving and taking, of chaos and order, and there should be something that holds it together. Glamorous,cinematic sex won´t. Children won´t either. All in all, it´s how human we are as beings to truly love someone in spite of.
Also, we can choose whether or not we´re going to be parents. Yes, that´s a choice. Women have the right of not wanting to be mothers. As they have the right of being one. Both choices should be respected and appreciated. It´s a sign of maturity when a woman realizes she wouldn´t have the patience required for bringing up a child. Many women don´t contemplate that choice and end up making their and their children´s lives miserable. But when we decide to be mothers, we should be allowed to be there for our kids. You cannot possibly expect the mother of an infant to work outside the home for 8 hours a day. Of course a lot of women do that, but end up being stressed and frustrated, many times depressed, because of that. Who are we kidding? And we do need men to share that with us. Men have to be allowed to be parents, too. It´s not fair to exclude them. Just let´s not try to turn them into mock mothers. It can be disastrous. They´re men and are able to be caring, sensitive and affectionate in their own way. They have their own role. They are there to cut the umbilical chord, as many times as it is necessary. They are there to dress the kids up with the most impossible to match clothes and think they look fine. They are there to teach them to be bold and look into life from a different perspective.
Of course I know that in many parts of the world, including parts or social segments in my own country, all I´m saying doesn´t make any sense. Medieval and Modern co-exist.
But what really bothers me in this whole ‘women issue’ thing is that we´re all blind to one simple aspect: we, women, shouldn´t try to play by the rules that are out there. It´s not fair. We should write our own rules. Women shouldn´t have to delay motherhood to have a career. They should be allowed to return, restart or begin a career after their children are grown, if they wish so. We, so smart and free western women, tell our daughters they can be anything they want: astronauts, physicists, athletes, CEOs, and mothers-the sky is the limit- but then we expect them to be all that at the same time, working full time outside and inside their homes. It´s insane.
Who says that working 40, 50 hours a week is more productive? ‘Quality time’ should be applied to jobs, not to children. The rules have been made to/by men, and we try to follow them to prove to ourselves that we can? Ha! I don´t want to be a woman disguised as a man to be respected as a professional. And I don´t want to feel that I´ve sacrificed my career for my family or vice versa. I shouldn´t have to.
I think we, women, have a lot to think about. About what we want for ourselves, about the way we raise our boys and girls, about the way we interact with our partners, about what are the real achievements in our lives, and most importantly, that there should be a day when we don´t need to have a Women´s Day.
7 comments:
Interesting post! Funny thing I sort of wrote about being a mother as a choice, too. Funnier actual mothers being sympathetic for those who chose not to be moms, instead of waving their own hero flags and crucifying the others. The times, they're a changing, hu. ;)
Well, NobodyOwensHer, I don´t think it´s funny, I think we agree.:-)You´re a mom, too,and you know what I´m talking about.
Wonderful post Lu. Some of yours ideas are excellent and very new to me.You have rightly interpreted the right and wrong of womens role in home as-well-as at work places.To me, men and women, both should be burdened in balanced for all that issues, if not equal.
Thanks Dr. J! Your comment is very important, because I know you mean it!:-)
This is the best critique of feminism, or expression of feminism, that I have read, Luciana!
You got me thinking with your commentary on what it means "to be proud", and how absurd it sounds that a jaguar should be proud of being a jaguar.
But it does make sense to describe a particular jaguar, kept in a zoo, as "proud", because it means also "defiant". The jaguar's pride is to continue looking like a jaguar, and behaving like one, as best it can, despite the bars of its cage.
Someone who explicitly has power and glory does not speak of pride (for that doesn't need saying), but humility. So in his inauguration speech, President Obama doesn't mention his pride, though he has good reason to. He says he is "humbled"---and rightly so, for he has become the servant of many millions.
I like very much what you say about women's choices too; and the affectionate tolerance you express towards the laughable weaknesses of men.
And finally, I like the defiance against rules---whether imposed by men, to restrict women's rules, or by women, to impose a kind of equality which doesn't help either men or women. I mean, it is the body which makes the person male or female. In respecting the whispered or shouted promptings of body, and applying the light censorship of mind's wisdom, we can appreciate who we really are, and be loyal to that, not so much the brotherhood or sisterhood of our peers, empowering though that may be at a certain stage.
Vincent, I like to joke I was raised among good wolves and spoiled rotten by them.:-D There were very few women in my family. Men were the majority in number, but they never tried to impose that majority on the women.In fact I don´t recall any strong separation of gender in our extended family´s activities, which was a little unusual given our Southern Brazilian, gaucho background.
One thing that I´d like to add to that line of thinking in the article, or whatever we can call that, is that we, women and men mirror each other a lot. The woman I am was also influenced by the men in my life. I was fortunate to have had loving, caring men around me when I was growing up and that´s the kind of men I appreciate to be with.
Some other women had different experiences, though, and the men they met were a 'product' of the women who raised them, who were a 'product' of the men they met, and so on. A vicious circle, until someone breaks it.
I have very little tolerance, I have to confess, with all the 'whining' involved in women´s issues. Let´s face it, we, women are mostly responsible for raising our boys, so who are we complaining about when we criticize men´s behavior towards us? We have to love boys as boys and girls as girls, without trying to turn one into the other.
Lu, I didn't even know there is such a thing as International Women's Day until I lived in Jordan and was invited to attend an event that day at the Australian ambassador's residence. Maybe it is something that means more in countries where women have further to go.
I was one of only two women who graduated in my M.B.A. class in the early 1980s. Had beautiful hair that extended to the middle of my back when I graduated, then landed a job in a conservative bank (is that redundant. . .aren't all banks conservative?!). My boss and hiring manager was a woman about three years older than me. Wore helmet hair, bow ties, manly suits, and generally played down her prettiness and femininity to fit in with the guys.
One day when a bunch of us were heading to lunch together and she was walking behind me, I was horrified when she loudly said to me, in front of about 10 of my peers and seniors, "Ellen, one day you will want to chop off that hair and join the world of adults."
I was mortified. Just really humiliated. Yet I thought, what the hell does my hair length have to do with my brain and my business results? Once I got over my shock, I was kinda pi$$ed. I never did chop my hair to suit her, nor did I buy any ties.
But I can relate to your comment about women having to become little men, at times, to survive. I have certainly felt that in my business life. Even now, the accepted style of management is rather cold and macho and ruthless. I am not cut of that cloth. Just lack the killer instinct it apparently takes in that world.
I long for the day of authentic equality for all. Alas, the older I get, the less likely I am to see it.
Ellen
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