In the first pages of Peter Pan, by J.M. Barrie, Wendy, then two years old, brings a flower to her mother . Mrs Darling “put her hand to her heart and cried, ‘Oh, why can´t you remain like this forever!’ “ Hearing this, Wendy understood that she had to grow up. Barrie continues by saying that “two is the beginning of the end” and that (and this tells a lot about mothers and daughters) “Of course they lived at 14, and until Wendy came her mother was the chief one”.
Is it really a loving thing to say to a child, oh you´ll always be a child to me ? I don´t think so. I think we should tell our children “I´ll always love you, no matter what” , and that´s a completely different thing.
When parents tell their children they will always be children, what they really mean is “ you´ll never outshine me. I´ll be the chief one, always.” They´re afraid of the painful and inevitable little deaths we go through every day in parenthood.
As I write this, my five –year –old (almost, almost six, according to herself) daughter is in a school excursion in a Farm Hotel 200 km away from here. They left early in the morning and will be back tomorrow evening.
She has always been very independent, that one. In her first day of school (she was two) , I arrived with her at the school gate and when we were crossing it she turned to me and said “Go home, mom”. Of course I didn´t go home immediately. I stayed there for a little while in case she “needed me”, but then realized I was obviously not needed, and came home. I thought it was going to be like her brother´s first months of school, that I had to be there all the time. Her brother had spoiled me.
When the trip permit came in her notebook I asked her if she wanted to go. I was expecting her to be at least hesitant, but no. I got an “of course” fired straight at me… Yesterday, when I went to help her pack, to my surprise she had managed to read a few items of the packing list sent by the school and had already separated them.
I feel a mixture of pride and anxiety. I´m really proud of this beautiful little project of woman I´m raising and I´m proud of my ten-year-old boy, who told me this morning: don´t worry mom, I´ll be there with her. And I´m anxious because I don´t want them to grow before their time.
All in all, in these past few days I realized that the only certain thing I can give those two is my love in many ways. It´s imprinted in them and they´ll carry it wherever they go. All else will be up to them.
5 comments:
Lu,
Your six and ten years old seem similar to my children growing up. I was 26 when I gave a birth to my son and 29 when my daughter was born. Your daughter is independent. I know how you are amazed at your daughter every time she speaks and does things. She seems mature for her age. Yet you know she is still a child. She doesn’t know this and that. After all, she hasn’t experienced the outside world as we see it.
I wouldn’t worry too much for her because her mom is a mature and responsible person who can say what she thinks clearly even about politics and religions before the world audience, and she is not afraid to show her real face. She takes responsibility to what she says and pays attention to her unsaid. The daughter is already six, and she has already inherited this trait from her mom. That’s no doubt. I’m proud of her, too.
I’m sure each day you’re just mesmerized by her questions and responses. I was, too. Like your daughter, my daughter has been very independent, and my son’s been a nurturer. I continue to be amazed at what they say and do. It’s getting more complicated each day because I’m getting old. But you’re right about letting our children go as being adults, not forever our toddlers. Otherwise, we’ll be in trouble. Both parents and children, I mean.
My daughter was maybe eight. Her classmate borrowed her money and didn’t return even though she asked her repeatedly. At the time, I was very curious to see how she was handling this relatively serious situation because I wouldn’t know what to do if it happened to me. I continued to listen to her story and asked her what she would do. She said, “I won’t lend her any more money.” By just listen to her saying it, I was very proud of her. She was learning how to deal with friends faster than her father or I. Because her father and I came from different culture, we had harder time to say no to people.
Lu, I am 51.My mother still thinks I am a child, and gives advise on my travelling alone. It is her love for me and not a doubt on my capability to travel alone.I also respond positively to make her at ease.I can't say it is wrong up to some extent.
Keiko, thanks for sharing your experience about your own kids! It is quite similar to what I´ve been experiencing. And thanks for the reassurance, as well!
I thought it was great the way you handled the incident with your daughter when she was eight. You were supportive, but allowed her to decide how to solve her own problem.
Dr. J, that is her way of showing how much she loves you, no doubt about it. And you know how to respond. That is your way of showing your love. That is healthy. I was thinking of something more pathological when I wrote that other idea. Something that some families perpetuate especially regarding their female daughters.
I was thinking more in the sense of a mother/daughter relationship than mother/son, which is completely different.
Lu and Jitu,
I think we all have different ways of showing our love. Sometimes, even arguments show our love.
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